Despite having far more money than I did as a kid, I am buying far less things for me than ever before. There’s a mortgage and putting money away for retirement and feeding your children and blah, blah, blah. All of which seems sort of necessary I guess, but not a lot of fun. That’s why I’ve started multi-classing all my purchases so they are essential by society’s (and my wife’s) rules and still useful to me. If I want to make Hirst Arts plaster blocks, then I can buy my wife that food dehydrator she always wanted. If I want to put together my Tyranid army, I get the kids to make ceramic decorations for Easter with
mytheir new paint set.
And in that vein, I have made my latest purchase. A used 2007 Ford Explorer. It’s cover identity is to haul a camping trailer so our family can enjoy the outdoors more often. But in reality, this bad boy is secretly my ultra …
That’s right, I’m preparing myself for the armageddon of the walking dead. ZOMBIES. If you’re not planning your escape route when the infestation finally occurs, you’re just that guy who’ll be distracting the zombies and getting devoured while I make my getaway. So thank you in advance for the distraction, because I won’t get a chance to do it later and you probably wouldn’t hear me over your blood curdling screams anyway.
For the rest of us, we know that besides having enough supplies on hand to weather the initial storm, you need an escape route. Some of you may think holing up in a bunker is the way to go, but it’s not going to work. One of your number is guaranteed to get infected, or go searching for a loved one and leave an exit unlocked, or let loose a horrendous odor after eating 18 cans of chili and have to crack a window. Then you’re all trapped inside a bunker with the Zeds and you’ll need your escape plan anyway.
On the surface, my Explorer may not seem like the terror of the Zombie future, but there are a few little features that make it the ideal ZUV. (Zombie Utility Vehicle)
Ok, Ok, everybody nowadays has this. But Zombieland reminded us how important it really is.
7300lbs towing capacity
No, this is not for carrying extra supplies in a trailer. This is for carrying extra zombies on the SUV. Eventually, everyone’s escape vehicle will get swarmed and countless zombies will clamber on every square inch of your machine to turn your daring escape into a meals on wheels. If an average zombie is about 150 lbs, this lets me hit the road with 48 zombies clinging on to the sides. And I’m not creeping along at 10mph. The owner’s manual says that at maximum weight, you shouldn’t exceed driving at 70mph, which means those Zeds are holding on for dear unlife as I speed down the highway.
Four Wheel Drive
Speaking of highways, there’s no reason to stick to them. Around the cities, they’re all going to look like the poster from the Walking Dead and that’s not much of an escape route. That’s why I plan on hopping off the freeway and tearing through whatever road, bike path or ski hill that I need to.
Your road out of town …
My road out of town …
Sunroof and Open Rear Window
Adding extra access points like a sunroof is normally the last feature you’d look for in a ZUV, but that’s short sighted. First, you should always have the sunroof closed when you’re not using it. And when I say using it, I mean manning the mini gun mounted on the roof rack. We’re not taking away vehicle security with extra windows, we’re adding firing ports. Even the rear door windows descend all the way so all 7 occupants can play an active role in zombie extermination, no matter what age they are.
That zombie ate your mom … and … and he ate Disneyworld, too! Get him!
7 passenger seating
Short of hijacking a school bus, the only way you’re getting more than a few loved ones out of the zombie kill zone is with a third row of seating. In the event of a zombie disaster, you really need as many sacrificial lam … I mean, you really need as many friends and allies along for the ride as you can get.
Not only that, but I need to keep the passengers with the greatest chance of being infected as far away the driver (aka me) as possible to avoid any panicked rollovers. Those whom I deem as possibly infected can sit in the third row of seats. When those passengers way at the back do turn into Zeds, they need to not only get out of their seatbelts, but climb over the second row of seats (possibly having a snack of the second row passengers along the way) before they can get to me. With all that extra time, I’ll have more than enough breathing room to calmly pull over to the side of the road, put the SUV in park and deal with the problem with a clear head and an automatic shotgun.
Which brings us to one last important feature.
Because scrubbing gore stains from the upholstery is not part of my post-apocalyptic plans.
I am now one step closer to facing the undead hordes. Once I convince my wife that we need a 150hp chainsaw to trim our hedges, I’ll have all the pieces in place.
I’m ready for the Zecond coming. Are you?